Oh… it looks like our old friend Jody is back to his shenanigans while you’re away. Don’t worry, he’ll take good care of your girlfriend while you’re gone. They’re really good friends, they tell each other secrets and she can really trust him, plus he’s just so funny and easy to talk to. So what if he happens to be in great shape, have an impressive understanding of global politics and a 9 inch penis? I don’t know why you’re so worried about him, he’s just a friend.
But really, Happy Valentine’s Day! Whether you’re in the suck or not, today is the day you either get to commemorate the fact that some poor woman lets you put your genitals inside of her, or relent the fact that you’re painfully alone and may never find happiness. Whatever the case, I’m sure today is going to be a fantastic day for all of you, home and abroad. Make sure, if it’s your first time with this person, you wrap that piece tighter than grilled chicken in a Chipotle burrito. The last thing you need on this great day of forced American romance is an open sore on your Johnson 3-14 days post-coitus.
Remember, Herpes Simplex Virus is the gift that keeps on giving.