1. “I could never join the military. I hate when people tell me what to do.”
Well, at least you know that about yourself.
2. “Ever kill anyone?”
NEVER say this to a veteran. Ever.
3. “I totally get what you went through because I play ‘Call of Duty’ and that shit is HARD-CORE.“
The best is when they make the “Pew! Pew!” sound with pistol hands.
4. “Isn’t it like the movies? Like ‘Full Metal Jacket’?”
Your R. Lee Ermey impression is not better than R. Lee Ermey’s.
5. “You know you’re brainwashed, right?”
Yep, totally brainwashed. Because there’s no way a normal person would ever want to do something bigger than themselves without being brainwashed.
6. “I would’ve joined if I didn’t have [insert here: flat feet, bad back, asthma, etc.].”
7. “You went to Afghanistan? I bet you’ve seen crazy stuff, like, stuff you can’t even talk about, huh? I couldn’t even imagine doing the things you’ve done.”
Why do you toy with me so?
8. “I would’ve joined, but I’d miss all my friends.”
I know, right?!? I cried myself to sleep for, like … never.
9. “I would’ve joined, but I like weed way too much.”
10. “How are you a veteran? You’re not even old.”
11. “I would have joined, but I got into college.”
12. “People in the military seem so stiff. Do y’all still get to have fun?”